第86屆奧斯卡頒獎禮開場艾倫脫口秀

You're an amazing actress, you're in not one but two nominated films tonight. That is too, that is so, what is the word for it? Selfish. I guess.

I really do think it's an exceptional year for movies, of course, one of the nominees is Her and by Her, I mean Meryl Streep. Meryl has been nominated for an Oscar a total of 18 times. It sounds good, but if you do the math, between dresses, hair and makeup, that's hundred of thousands of dollars. Simply put, Meryl cannot afford to be nominated again. That is a lot of money.

I'm listing all these people, like you're up against each other. You're all so talented and I don't want you to think of this as any kind of a competition. It's a celebration. Although who are we kidding? It's The Hunger Games. I mean, there are cameras everywhere. You're starving. Jennifer Lawrence won last year. It is The Hunger Games.

Jennifer, by the way, I am not going to bring up what happened last year, when you were...(摔倒的手勢)You Know.

It's ridiculous, I mean, something like that happens and it's embarrassing and people just talk about it and it's just, you know. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, last year, she fell on the way up. Tripped. I don't know if she got caught on the dress. Let's just show the clip. Because... I'm kidding, I'm not going to show the clip. I'm kidding, I am. I'm not. And you know the thing where you fell out of the car tonight? No one needs to know that, I'm not going to mention that. She fell, on the way out of the car. Like on an orange cone you tripped or something. If you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar. I don’t want to risk it. I mean somebody. We can do that, right? Can we do that? No one.

Win or lose, you all look beautiful tonight. Sandy, you look beautiful And Cate, you look—everybody looks beautiful. I'm not going to say who looks the prettiest tonight, but it's clear. It's Jared Leto. I mean. He's the prettiest. Boy is he pretty. Nominated for best supporting actor, and Matthew McConaughey also pretty by the way but a different, like a rugged, dirty, a dirty pretty, like a rugged dirty pretty. Good dirty, not bad dirty. Both nominated for Dallas Buyers Club, a very important movie. It deals with the serious issue of people who have sex at rodeos. Don’t do it. Don't do it. It looks appealing, but...Speaking of sex at the rodeo, Bruce Dern is here tonight.

I just needed a transition. I have no idea. A little background on Bruce. His grandfather was the governor of Utah, his great uncle was a Pulitzer Prize-winning poet, and his Godmother was Eleanor Roosevelt. And here you are among us tonight. What went wrong?

Jonah Hill is nominated for his amazing performance in Wolf of Wall Street. Honestly, I have to say, you showed us something in that film that I have not seen for a very, very long time. You get it?

(In the movie Jonah Hill masturbates at a pool party. And Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian. You get it? Nothing makes a joke less funny than explaining it, but if you got it the first time, it was funny.)

Well, We should get started. It’s going to be an exciting night. Anything can happen, so many different possibilities. Possibility number one: 12 Years a Slave wins best picture. Possibility number two: You’re all racists. And now please welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway.

（視頻來源：優酷，編輯 Helen）